What is justice if the missing are invisible ?
Invisible to you but so very real to me
As I looked through the timelines of your life I realized he was non existent
It sent me in a tizzy as I silently cried and repeated, his life mattered though
To me he was my everything,
To you he must have felt like shame hidden in the shadows
Like an eraser taken to his existence
Even though he unintentionally carried your name
9 years
9 years gone and I sit here and reminisce
The battles you manage internally must hurt
But what hurts more is the missing acknowledgment
I guess I wouldn’t know how it feels to miss a ghost
You boast in the new and I wanna hate that for you but I can’t
They deserve every bit of you that he did
See we did manage to be amicable
Quite frankly a miracle
Admit past mistakes
Forgive
Love
And move on
Moving on causes the most bleeding cause… what about him?
My love for you is an extension of my love for him
On a whim I took a chance and risked the pieces of my heart that were barely mended
A Blended mix of compassion, nostalgia, and unanswered questions
Why did you not come back?
Will he always be the internal guilt
The death that made you mad?
See I knew, I knew the answers for years as I wished for a different ending
Sending you love and constant forgiveness
The journey can be a bit reckless on the emotions
The notions of pushing forward
Pushing past bitterness
Pushing past the sin that started it all
I only win if I don’t allow hurt and pain to finish what they started
They dance in mind but darted to consume my heart
It had me a tad bit jealous of your happiness
You gained as I lost, I mean I guess we both lost but I carried the burden and weight of it all
I wish to be free
God said he had more for me
I finally accept that I am worth that
I’m worth the more
Not the little box full of shame I was put in
Not the little box of stereotypes they built around me
Not the little box of insecurity and never being good enough that tried to bury me
I’m worth more
I was never the crazy one, nor the one of miraculous conception
I was the one who held it down, kissed booboos and soldiered through
I was the one who made sure he lived a great life
I was the one who never thought I’d be good enough to be someone’s wife
Life has a way of causing those boxes to be moved out the way as I embrace the new
Change begins on the inside
Inside, what was missing is replaced by peace and memories I wish the same for you
I remember his smile
I remember his laughter
I remember his hugs
I remember his love
His Love is a love that shows up in the most beautiful of ways
I captured it all so you no longer have to wonder, pondering life too many days
If you ever find yourself, like I did wondering what is justice if the missing are still invisible?
Find the Truth
Truth is, he’s not invisible to me,
Never was and never will be
God I’m finally ready
This chapter is closed
You chose your path, im choosing mine.
May peace be with us both as we look to God divine
Giver of life and breath
Breathe on me a new
comfort me most when it feels like too many shades of blue
Clothe me as I exchange these ashes for beauty
This mourning for the oil of joy
And this garment of praise for the heaviness
let me be planted and his story forever be told
Let people be molded by our mistake and freed from the shackles of torment.
No longer tormented by wanting justice
Just this moment I got a glimpse of the darkness you must have felt
The deafening silence
The encroaching sadness
The coping to build what you lost
Maybe to you he’s not missing
Maybe to you he’s everything you wish you had
And for that I honestly can’t get mad
As I silently cried and repeated his life mattered it was my perspective that shattered
He mattered to us both
it just showed in different ways
No longer an open letter
No longer a distant memory
This conclusion is not one I saw coming but one im now grateful for
I wanted to be accepted but realized I don’t need to be
This was key in letting go
We used to play hide and seek
Where it was you hiding and me seeking
then it was jus him and me hidden
But I won’t allow us to be bed ridden with past feelings tryna have my future in a choke hold
Hold me but let me be
In the same way I have to let him, let them, let you, be free
Love always
From me
To my son’s father
