I gave 11 years to loving a ghost
We make TV shows just about everything but no one tells you how to feel when the lie is revealed and the person you thought you knew jus never existed
We kissed in my mind
We hugged
We loved
My heart tugged at this new reality
Real to me was your pictures and deep voice
I wanted to voice my opinion but my voice had gone mute
Thought it was cute that our distant love was lasting
Through the ridicule
Through the pain
Through the lies
We maintained an intimacy that many could not see for the beauty that it was
We were both the hand to each other's glove
But the outcome was manipulated and controlled from the beginning
I let sin creep in
I let him deep in
I let a whim speak in
I was letting my emotions take over and they brought me on a journey that my mind almost never came back from
He fuled my feelings of needing to be rescued
Abandoned in my time of vulnerability my views were skewed of what love was
Lust was spoken loudly through the phone as he plunged deep and wrapped me up in his best kept secret
She came up screaming and her pleasure filled my ears
I felt wet with confusion
I'm not gay
I wasn't born this way
But experimenting and exploring lead to a craving that a few times I consented to yet beyond consent I didn't realize that I had already been pushed into a narrative that I didn't sign up for
And now my head and heart mourn the loss of a lie that tore the very depths of my soul a part
Started to feel like God should have given someone else a chance at life cause I jus keep screwing this one up
He was my Romeo and I his Juliet and how poetic it was and symbolic it proved to be cause in the end jus like them death was imminent
That character died
Along with my pride and any respect I had for me
How could I not see
How could I not hear
And now I bare the consequences of my own actions
Many unanswered questions cause my mind couldnt handle so many truths
In protection of myself my heart let go and forgave the person that gave me 11 years of loving a ghost
I mourned his loss like any other
His laugh, his temper, his cheating, his moans, his protection, his jealousy, his deep love and most certainly his hold on me
My mind couldn't comprehend the hurt one would have to be in to cause this hurt to another
They want be to be mad and hateful but instead I sowed love
Love to her for who she is now and not who she pretended to be
See If my mind ever had one question for God, it would be, father why didn't you stop me?
And his answer would be, I sent many warnings but you were too busy adorning him and in mourning to see
But Abandonment is not a reason for failure
It's not a reason to be disconnected from the one and true creator
The one who shaped my bones and breathed life into me
The one who gave me back the keys that I lost to my identity
The one who's strengthening my voice and restoring all that was taken
The one who allows me to be in true peace and not to be fake in this society that celebrates destruction and laughs at logic
Choosing a life set a part has set me free cause Living a life unhealed was destroying me
After 11 years of loving a ghost and 10 years healing from what would crush most
I'm stepping into a new season where wedding bells and marital bliss will be the outcome
No longer manipulated, I'm celebrated
No longer controlled, I'm released
No longer tricked I'm making good choices
No longer bleeding, I sit in immense peace
This is the good news
This is the new tree
Planted in his goodness
Refusing to let me be
lost in this world that didn't see me was never for me
And now I see me for me
Exactly who God created me to be
