Regrettably
I've had one of those nights
Those nights when everything becomes a haze
No matta how hard we try our minds are stuck in mental mazes
And we party way too hard
Worse
We black out
And leave the safety of our body In the hands of whomever we've surrounded ourselves with
I
Have had one of those nights
One of those nights
One of those weeks
One of those months
When the annoyance of my past weighs heavily on my mind
Ingested with every sip of alcohol
The feel good drink
Makes me feel good no more
As I project all my hurting pain
Onto the dance floor
Wondering
What the hell happened?
When did things get so wrong?
I guess
I've been lying to myself for quite awhile now
I've been stacking issues in my life like a brick house
Building from the inside out
On the outside
I appear to be
So beautiful an strong
On the inside
I've created an establishment
Where I can be separated from the world
Surrounded by thoughts of me myself and I
I feel as though I'm no longer strong enough to survive
I'm tired
Weakened by the years of deprivation
My heart and head are feeling the separation and frustration of life
My hearts cold as ice
Fueled by cruelty
I've been spit on
Disrespected
Robbed
Relationships have broken me
Taken everything and left me
Abandoned in my house
These are the thoughts that haunted me
As I drank more and more
Tumbled to the floor and woke up in my bed
Regrettably
I've had one of those nights
One of those nights
Where for the first time
I couldn't see past
The negativity cloudin my head
Tryna be happy an smile for my best friend
Cause see it was her birthday
I've never behaved that way in public
I've never allowed my emotions to spill over an take control in a public setting
I would normally jus wear a happy mask
Masking the true identity of my soul
With the pressures of graduation
The foundation in which I built my life
Is fastly unraveling
Revealing the true pain
Stuffed into a jar
Like a grain of salt
My wounds are still burning me
Imma half to dig real deep down to pull myself outta this
I pray God will forgive me,
Forgive my sins
Maybe i'll finally be able to forgive myself
And do away with those regrettable crazy nights
Reflection & Context
This piece comes from the aftermath of numbing — the kind that happens when pain has nowhere safe to land, so it spills into nights of escape, alcohol, and emotional disconnection. It captures the moment when the mask finally slips, when strength runs out, and the body and soul are left to face what has been buried under survival and performance.
It speaks to how unresolved trauma, rejection, and relational wounds can quietly accumulate, building inner structures of isolation even while life looks composed on the outside. The poem names the loneliness of being surrounded by people yet feeling unseen, the exhaustion of pretending to be okay, and the vulnerability of realizing that self-destruction is often a cry for rest, not rebellion.
At its core, this work is about the turning point between self-condemnation and self-compassion — the place where regret meets grace, and where the heart begins to believe that forgiveness, from God and from self, is still possible after “one of those nights.”
Reflection Prompt
Where have you used distraction or escape to avoid feeling your pain?
What would it look like to offer yourself the same forgiveness you hope to receive from God?
Original Performance
This piece was originally performed as part of the Lips & Poetry series, where spoken word meets lived experience. Watch the original recording below to hear the rhythm, breath, and emotion that first carried these words.