Nobody tells you how to survive after a piece of you has died
cause they don't know what to say
How do you tell somebody to smile through the heartbreak
How do you tell somebody to breathe through the storm
How do you tell somebody that their mind won't betray them
This guilt
This guilt was a rotten stench I couldn't wait to get rid of
Yet I accepted at the same time
Comfortably
Guilt encompassed me
Shame startled me
Disaster, disappointment and disgrace became me until it didn't stink no more
I survived
I survived
The traumas, dramas and death of my spirit
Lay broken like childhood dreams
Adolescence stolen
Yet I fought to survive
I fought to be free
My son saved me
Love kept us together
Faith pulled us further
Memories of your hugs & smooth dances
Pranced east to west
Your body begged for rest
The stillness of your air as I held you
Your last breath blew against my heart
Blue sky above
You sleep peacefully
And I wished it were me instead
But I survived
Why
Why is a question I cannot get the answer to
I don't even want the answer to tell you the truth
I just want him
My son
My life
608 Cola Bennett
My best friend
My identity
I want it back
Without him who am I?
With every moment of happiness
I witness the emotional change inside
It's exhausting
Being happy without him doesn't seem fair
Doesn't seem like it should be
Not with me
See We made a promise to live life to the fullest
He fulfilled his purpose and moved on past me and left me full of jealousy that he was too good for this earth
I've searched for earthly treasures
They seem to change as often as Canadian weather
Fleeting
Leaving me empty
I feel invisible in a crowd
Laughter sometimes feels way too loud
My bed is more than jus a home,
It's where I belong as I contemplate life
Why is it that colors fade as time goes on?
God, help me
God lent me my son
Let me be a part of his light
It beamed so so bright
I was blinded and forgot that he was on loan
Now he's gone home
And I want him back
A fruit of my womb
An inheritance of smiles
Lessons of gratitude
Rewarded by his attitude
I wanna be mad and rude
Yet I stay silent
I lack understanding so I'm praying for peace
I need a new lease on life if I'm gonna keep pushing
Pushing my feelings aside & inside
Cause a color collide
Giving root to a periodic pain
That hits me like waves
Rough ocean type
That bury me
Water in my nose
I cant breath
These waves seem taller than me, 5'3
I'm drowning in feelings and stages,
Trapped in emotional cages
Mentally stewing
Numbingly alive
The size of the lies I tell myself keep growin
I say I'm ok
I say don't be happy
They say Keep smiling
I think Sadness is life
You say Act normal
I say Keep it together
To get her wisdom is to breathe honesty
It's ok not to be ok
Some moments will knock me right out
Getting up before the bell is all that counts
Learning to walk on water
Is the gift God is giving me as a replacement for the sadness
Emotionally bleeding
Plagued by memories
Takin up rent for free
It's a poison I will no longer drink
If I could just push through and touch
I knocked, He opened
I cried, He listened
A witness to my pain
My father's changing the game
Breath deeply
I am no longer the same
I'm breaking up with unforgiveness and shame
Partnering with forgiveness, love, acceptance & balanced sleep
Must quench the search for my existence
I exist for a reason
I'm still living through the seasons
My reason to live is to love in spite of my situation
Despite what life continues to challenge me with
I am not only surviving
I am thriving
Unconditional love is freeing me
Freeing my mind
Forcing me to ask myself questions
Who do I have left to give to?
What is my reason to live?
Where can I be the most impactful?
Why am I so passionate?
When it's my time to go, will I be ready?
How can I live forever?
Today
I decided to live
Washed my face, walked out the door and felt taller
Today
I decided to Love again
Cause Love runs so much deeper than the grave
I am no longer a slave
To guilt
